People of Permanence
I may be known for bouncing around a bit. Those of you who know me are probably grinning right now. Growing up, my family moved a lot. By the time I was 16, my parents had moved us five times across the country: New Jersey, New York, Wisconsin, Seattle and then Arizona. Same for my partner Derek. His hippie mom split her time between California and Mexico, living in a string of places that were never really a “home.” When we met, we carried on this nomadic tradition. Over 30 years of marriage, plus a few years of dating, we’ve moved about 25 times. Insane, right? Many of those moves were just to a new neighborhood in the same city: several in Tucson and Washington, DC, and a ton across New York City.
If I map our life, I map it by what we ate. Tucson was tacos and enchiladas. DC was blue crabs down at Captain White’s on the Wharf. New York was the steadfast bagel shop, the dumpling spot in Chinatown and the corner slice. Rome was cacio e pepe and carciofi alla giudìa, the city’s crispy fried Jewish-style artichokes. Now it’s Bologna, with a whole new set of rituals around the table.
Roy Lichtenstein
The pattern is hard to miss. Derek and I are not people of permanence. When I try to work out why, I come up with three reasons. Some of it is grass-is-greener restlessness, the nagging sense that a better life is waiting in the next neighborhood, the next city, the next country. Some of it is fleeing (not fighting), like now. We left the US for Italy in January 2025, after Trump won the election. We did the same thing during his first term, only to get sucked back into the US, and NYC in particular. New York is a vortex. That city has a way of pulling you back, no matter how far you go. And some of our constant inability to stand still is just boredom. Once a place stops surprising us, we get itchy. We like change. Change can be good, refreshing. A new place makes you pay attention again: to the light, the language, and the way people shop, cook and eat.
This impermanence leaks into big and small decisions, and it is tangled up with responsibility. I feel like when you stick around too long, the responsibilities pile up, along with the “stuff,” material and otherwise. The biggest decision was not having children. There are many reasons for this, and I’d like to say I made that decision for the climate, but it was multi-faceted. To be quite honest, one reason was that I just didn’t want the responsibility. I didn’t want to be tied down. For us, it was one of the best decisions we ever made. I’m not promoting it or judging anyone else’s choice, but it was right for us, and we remain steadfastly happy with it. We tried owning a dog a few times, but these special critters come with schedules and routine too. I’ve changed jobs plenty. I haven’t stuck around to work for shitty, toxic bosses hoping they’ll come around. My advice? Move on. It shows up in the small decisions too. I always, always, always buy refundable, changeable plane and train tickets and hotel bookings. We change our minds. We fly by the seat of our pants. We don’t always want to be in one place.
And yet. Of all people, I often wish things would stay the same. I miss the old NYC. I miss the way road trips felt. The freedom, the emptiness, the spontaneity (you Gen Xers know what I’m talking about – remember paper maps?). Speaking of spontaneity, I miss traveling before social media and the throngs of robotic tourists who don’t even know what the hell they’re looking at and are just there to take a photo and move on. It’s sad. (Yes, I see the irony of someone who is always moving on complaining about people who move on.) I watch old movies, the classics from the 1970s. You know the ones -- All the President’s Men, Apocalypse Now, The Godfather (only I and II), The French Connection. Man o man, such a good era for American cinema. And the Italians, from the neorealists to Fellini and Antonioni. I loathe permanence in my own life, and I mourn its loss everywhere else. I want to keep moving so nothing sticks too long, but I want the places I leave behind to stay exactly as they were.
I’m not the only one. Many people want Italy to stay as it was, just as I want New York to stay the way it was twenty-plus years ago. Italy guards its food traditions fiercely. In December 2025, Italian cooking became the first national cuisine to be recognized as a whole by UNESCO as intangible cultural heritage. Try asking for pecorino on your spaghetti alle vongole and see what happens.
But the world is not comfortable with permanence, and food may be the best proof. The food historian Alberto Grandi has angered plenty of Italians by pointing out how new many “timeless” dishes really are. Tomatoes came from the Americas. Carbonara doesn’t appear in print until after the Second World War. Grandi argues that much of what we think of as eternal Italian cooking was invented or reinvented in the last century or so, some of it shaped by Italian emigrants abroad. And the rules keep shifting. Even the most permanent-looking food culture was made, and keeps being remade, by people on the move.
And people keep moving, mixing their cultures, traditions and, thankfully, cuisines all over the world. It makes for wonderful eating. We used to call it fusion. Now there’s a better term: third culture cuisine, the food made by people who grew up between places. Japanese meets Italian in wafu pasta, spaghetti with mentaiko, butter and nori. Korean meets Mexican in Roy Choi’s Kogi tacos, which started on a Los Angeles food truck in 2008. Peru has been doing this for more than a century with Nikkei (Japanese-Peruvian) and chifa (Chinese-Peruvian) cooking. None of it would exist if everyone had stayed put. I find it fascinating.
I used to feel bad about being so non-committal, so transient, so restless. I don’t anymore. Maybe permanence was never as real as we remember it. Maybe it was just change happening slowly enough that we didn’t notice. The best dishes on the table usually come from someone who didn’t stay put. Maybe people like us aren’t the opposite of tradition. Maybe we’re how it gets made.